a whole new level of fear


My brother and I decided to go check out some wildlife today.  That’s right.  Wildlife.  Big mistake, since we were almost eaten alive by spiders. Don’t get me wrong, wildlife is cool and all.  I just don’t want to be all up in it.  I don’t do bugs, I don’t do heat and sweat, and I definitely don’t do spiders.  This is why I do not camp.  Well, that and the lingering fear of a Jason Voorhees like character killing everyone.  
There’s this place in town called the Enchanted Forest Nature Sanctuary.  It has trails that you can walk through and see all kinds of animals and bugs and things of that nature.  Spiders EVERYWHERE.  Why two people that are deathly afraid of spiders would go to a place like this, I have no idea.    
Turns out, this place is taken over by Golden Silk Spiders (aka banana spiders). The handsome little guy pictured above was on the window of the shop before you even get to the trails.   BEFORE. THE. TRAILS.  
Once you start walking the trails, these jerks are everywhere.  Look to your right, there’s spiders.  To your left, spiders.  Look up above your head, spiders!!!  It looks like they are floating.  What if spiders actually floated?!  

Several times during this fabulous little nature walk, I was attacked by branches, leaves, sticks ‘n shit.  Every single time, I thought it was a spider and I thought that was it.  That’s how I was going to leave this world.  I was going to be attacked by a banana spider, have a stroke, and....well, you know.  Then I would freak out and run off only to be reminded not to run too fast so I didn’t run face first into a spider.  There is no need for that.  
Every once in a while, I would hear a noise behind us.  I was certain there was some abnormally huge spider coming to get us which lead me to think about something.  What if there were zombies in this nature sanctuary?  THAT in turn lead me to think about several other things.  You have to run from the zombies, right?  Duh.  Well, once you start that running shit, you run the risk of running FACE FIRST into a big ass spider.   Then, what if the zombies start biting the spiders?  Then you have huge zombie spiders chasing after you.  F*ck that.  

Here.  Check out the cute little tortoise we saw today.  Maybe it will help you forget about all that spider nastiness.  Just kidding.  It totally won't.  

Oh.  Just so you know, the whole time I typed this I felt like I had spiders crawling all over me.  I will dream about spiders tonight.  You’re welcome.  



  1. omg i'm pretty sure now there are indeed spiders crawling all over me. grosssss!

  2. How do you feel about wolf spiders with hundreds of babies on her back?


  3. i almost vomited so many times. they're not poisonous are they (which, as you probably know, is almost completely irrelevant to me. i just want to know if they'll kill me from venom or kill me from the heart attack i'll have if i ever see one).

  4. If spiders could float that would literally be the worst thing ever.