fat scooter

As most of you know, Wal-Mart (as well as other stores) offers electric wheelchairs to those who need them during their shopping experience.  If you needed a wheelchair to shop in the store, wouldn’t you have ridden up to the store already on that bitch?! 

 * this sunamabitch right here! *

You can’t fool me, wally world!  I think we all know that those electric scooters are for the fat shoppers.  You’ve seen them… the ones who are too gigantic to even get halfway around that big ass store without assistance.  The ones when sitting on the scooter, it looks like they’re wearing a thong.  If you can get a biggun to be comfortable in a huge store full of food... well, I don’t think I really need to finish that sentence.

Acceptable reasons to hoverround:
If you are walking with crutches, ok. 
If you are super huge about to pop pregnant with triplets or more, ok. 
If you lost a leg during shark week, ok. 
If immediately beforehand, in the parking lot, your foot got run over, ok. 

UNacceptable reasons to ride:
If you are just plain fat, not ok.
If you are suffering from lazy ass syndrome, not ok.
If you just stubbed your toe or a got a papercut or some other lame excuse, not ok.

Being fat is the perfect reason TO walk around while you’re shopping.  That’s probably the most exercise you’ll get all month long.  Air conditioning, drinks & snacks galore!  There is even a section with pillows if you really get winded.  So get up and walk, fat ass!  If you are really THAT fat that you need to ride the scooter and that is the only way you can shop… Why don’t you spend some of your food money on a personal shopper who will go get you healthy food?  

Not to mention, those riding scooters are awful.  They take up a ton of room in the aisle, they go super slow, nobody is proficient at driving them, and reverse?!  Don’t even get me started on reverse!  That horrendous beeping noise!!!  OMG!  What’s even worse, maybe the worst part about the fat scooters?!!!!!!  When these people stand up at the checkout and that thing beeps and beeps and beeps and #@(^ !?$ beeps!  Are you deaf?  Why don’t these people (that are standing right next to these carts) ever know it’s actually them beeping?  Really?

I have personally walked around and shopped at a gigantic Wal-Mart during each of these occasions:  full term pregnant (twice), in labor (once), after a c-section (twice), on crutches (twice), with jacked up vision (thrice) and fat every time I go in.  I know it’s possible to walk.  Even when you can’t walk!  I refuse to ride in that stupid shit.

If you really don’t need to use this monstrosity, if you are just so lazy or fat that you prefer to be carried all over the place, think again before you sit your ass down.  Do it for your own good, if no one else’s!  Use your #@(^ !?$  feet and walk like humans were intended to do!


* Why does this dude's pic come up every time I google image search electric wheelchair or scooter?  Go ahead, try it.  Creepy... *

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