Any other state > Florida

I just got back from California.  I visited a friend who is leaving for Italy soon, saw some family I haven’t seen in way too long, also saw a couple old high school friends, met some new people.  Good times.  Now, I’m back in Florida...shitty, shitty Florida.  Yeah, Florida has been home to me for 27 years now, doesn’t mean I have to like it.  What don’t I like about it?  I’m glad you asked...

Let’s start with the weather.  I went up to work today just to say hi since I know they missed me while I was gone (don’t any of you deny it either!) and during that 2 minute (if that) walk from my car to the door, I was sweating like a disgusting pig.  I sat on the beach for a good couple of hours in San Diego and guess what!?  Not one drop of sweat.  Take that, Florida.  I mean, the water was colder than a whore’s heart but, that’s beside the point.  It also didn’t rain the whole time I was there, which was amazing.  Now, I’m back in Florida...which means, it’s back to afternoon showers.  Or morning showers.  Or evening showers.  Or, better yet, all damn day showers.  Basically, Florida’s weather will fuck up your day in some way.  I would suggest bringing a change of clothes and deodorant wherever you go.  The heat itself isn’t so bad, it’s the humidity/heat combo that will leave you smelling like a decaying body on a summer afternoon.  Also, bring some makeup because the humidity will melt that shit right off your sun damaged face.  

Old people come to Florida to retire a.k.a. turn into zombies, die, be jerks...whatever you wanna call it.  They are all over the place, which makes for some awful driving.  I did notice some asshole-ish driving in California but, that wasn’t because the person driving was about to turn into a zombie due to being so old.  I’m pretty sure it’s because they are just assholes and, well, there’s assholes everywhere soo...who cares, right?  Yeah yeah, I know there's also old people in other states as well but, they run this shit. 

Scenery.  Florida doesn’t have it.  Yeah, there’s beaches.  What else is there? Nothing...so, I don’t think I need to say anything else about our lack of scenery. 

Food.  The food up north is BOMB.  The owner of a pizza place in Boston told me that the difference between the food up north and in Florida is the water.  Way to go, Florida.   You can’t even have decent water.  We are surrounded by water and you can’t even do that right.  

Sure, Florida is the Sunshine State.  However, before you decide to move here, just remember....we are also home to the shark bite capital of the world.  Just go back to my shark week post if you need a reminder about those bad ass bitches.  Another fun thing I have heard (may or may not be true but, it wouldn't surprise me), we are also home to one of the lightning strike capitals of the world.  

Humidity, zombie old people, sharks, and lightning.  You’re probably asking yourself why I still live here.  Well folks, I didn't CHOOSE to be born here.  When you can tell me why people CHOOSE to come here, I will tell you why I still reside in this black hole we call Florida. 

~Kelly

May I take your mother f*cking order?

Most people that know me know that I love fast food.  I don’t know why.  I just do and don’t you dare judge me.  

So the other day, I go through the Burger King drive through.  The guy that takes my order sounds similar to Napoleon Dynamite....except mopier.  So he’s all mopey sounding, asking me what I want...so I tell him I want a #whatever, with just bacon (of course) and cheese.  I’m still deciding what to drink when he says (remember, he sounds like a super mopey Napoleon Dynamite) “What size and drink and stuff?”.  Ah...what?  What size and drink and stuff?  Who speaks to a customer that way?  People that hate their job (and probably their life), that’s who.  Listen, I understand you hate your job.  I get it, I really do...but, either do your job with some mother f*cking love or find another line of work.  I don’t need your shitty attitude putting me in a bad mood when I’m just trying to get a BK Double Stacker on my way to work!  Then I’m going to go to work and give people shitty hair cuts and it will be ALL your fault.  Then you will have ruined my client's day, plus mine.  Oh, and all my co-workers' day too because they have to deal with my now shitty attitude on account of YOU.  

And what the hell is up with you totally f*cking up my order?  All you have to do is turn up the volume on your headset, take my order, press the keys on the register that have the little pictures on them, take my money, give me my change, and give me my food THE WAY I ORDERED IT!  Really...how hard is it?  I mean, you already work in fast food.....stop making your life worse by sucking at what is probably one of the easiest jobs on the planet.  If you won’t do it, there are others out there that will.  Maybe they will give me my shit the way I order it.  

And that’s real talk, assholes.  

~Kelly