Any other state > Florida

I just got back from California.  I visited a friend who is leaving for Italy soon, saw some family I haven’t seen in way too long, also saw a couple old high school friends, met some new people.  Good times.  Now, I’m back in Florida...shitty, shitty Florida.  Yeah, Florida has been home to me for 27 years now, doesn’t mean I have to like it.  What don’t I like about it?  I’m glad you asked...

Let’s start with the weather.  I went up to work today just to say hi since I know they missed me while I was gone (don’t any of you deny it either!) and during that 2 minute (if that) walk from my car to the door, I was sweating like a disgusting pig.  I sat on the beach for a good couple of hours in San Diego and guess what!?  Not one drop of sweat.  Take that, Florida.  I mean, the water was colder than a whore’s heart but, that’s beside the point.  It also didn’t rain the whole time I was there, which was amazing.  Now, I’m back in Florida...which means, it’s back to afternoon showers.  Or morning showers.  Or evening showers.  Or, better yet, all damn day showers.  Basically, Florida’s weather will fuck up your day in some way.  I would suggest bringing a change of clothes and deodorant wherever you go.  The heat itself isn’t so bad, it’s the humidity/heat combo that will leave you smelling like a decaying body on a summer afternoon.  Also, bring some makeup because the humidity will melt that shit right off your sun damaged face.  

Old people come to Florida to retire a.k.a. turn into zombies, die, be jerks...whatever you wanna call it.  They are all over the place, which makes for some awful driving.  I did notice some asshole-ish driving in California but, that wasn’t because the person driving was about to turn into a zombie due to being so old.  I’m pretty sure it’s because they are just assholes and, well, there’s assholes everywhere soo...who cares, right?  Yeah yeah, I know there's also old people in other states as well but, they run this shit. 

Scenery.  Florida doesn’t have it.  Yeah, there’s beaches.  What else is there? Nothing...so, I don’t think I need to say anything else about our lack of scenery. 

Food.  The food up north is BOMB.  The owner of a pizza place in Boston told me that the difference between the food up north and in Florida is the water.  Way to go, Florida.   You can’t even have decent water.  We are surrounded by water and you can’t even do that right.  

Sure, Florida is the Sunshine State.  However, before you decide to move here, just remember....we are also home to the shark bite capital of the world.  Just go back to my shark week post if you need a reminder about those bad ass bitches.  Another fun thing I have heard (may or may not be true but, it wouldn't surprise me), we are also home to one of the lightning strike capitals of the world.  

Humidity, zombie old people, sharks, and lightning.  You’re probably asking yourself why I still live here.  Well folks, I didn't CHOOSE to be born here.  When you can tell me why people CHOOSE to come here, I will tell you why I still reside in this black hole we call Florida. 

~Kelly

Crocs

I’ve been wanting to do a post on Crocs for a long time.  I’m not really sure where to begin so I’ll start with this lovely picture.

You had to wear socks with them?  What are you, an 80 year old man?

Katie wears these hideous shoes so I'm sure I will probably get shit for this post.  Too bad I don't give a shit.  Crocs are the most disgusting, unflattering, awful looking shoes I have seen.  Ever.  In life.  Anytime I see a whole family of Croc wearing freakos, I want to push them all down and make them skin their knees.  Even the kids.  OK OK...Maybe I am going too far here.  My mom wears crocs, so does my oldest brother, and his kids.  I wouldn’t push them down and make them skin their knees but, I sure as shit will make fun of them for it.  Well, not the kids...I’m not a fucking monster, ok?  However, my mom and brother...fair game. 

F’real doh...what’s the big deal?  They are expensive ass CLOGS.  Oh, my bad...they make Croc HEELS now, and flats, and other shoes that might be considered “cute”.  Hate to break it to you Crocs but, that shit is still hideous.  As soon as I see the little Croc logo, I’m done.  They even make little charms to stick in the holes of the clog-type Crocs.  Just so everyone knows, this just draws more attention to your stupid looking shoes. 

These are some real cute heels, ladies!  You can wear them when you go on that Eharmony date!

Why does one wear crocs?  Is it because they are (allegedly) comfortable?  You’re a nurse (or something like that) and you’re on your feet all the time, huh?  Well, fuck that.  Listen, all I’m sayin’ is...I’m on my feet all day and I would rather be seen out in public wearing a pair of old man house shoes (with some mother fuckin' socks!) than Crocs.  What are you going to wear when Crocs are made obsolete?  Because that's what I'm hoping will happen...they will become extinct like the fucking dinosaurs.    

Why are they showcasing these by the fireplace?  Are they trying to make the furry Crocs looks sexy?  Not working.

Like my cousin Laura says...Crocs are for fanny pack wearing tourists.  Let’s keep it that way.  Or maybe just eliminate them all together.  The Crocs, not the fanny pack wearing tourists. 

~Kelly

For real though...

I hate driving.  I am an angry driver, a speeder, and I take corners way too fast.  I try not to follow too closely but, sometimes it just happens.  Why does that happen you ask? Well, one reason might be because the asshole in front of me is driving slow as molasses in the LEFT LANE.  Most of the time, there are signs (I’ve seen them on the interstate, don’t pretend they aren’t there) that say ‘SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT’.  If you are unsure on what that means, I will tell you.  It means get the fuck out of the left lane if you are going to go any slower than the speed limit that is posted.  Seriously, what is your fucking deal?  Are you unaware that there is a line of 17 cars behind you trying to get around you?! Open your eyes and pay attention to the road!

What is with people pulling out in front of me as I am about to pass them?  And then once you pull out in front of me, you drive slow as hell?  If you’re gonna creep along, wait a second and pull out AFTER I have passed you.  You might save yourself from being rear ended.  Yeah, it’s Florida so it would be my fault if I rear ended YOU (even though YOU are the one that had the audacity to pull out in front of ME and only go 35mph when the posted speed limit is 45mph) but, your car would still be fucked.  From behind.  Ha.  

Stop freaking out when it rains.  If it’s that bad and you can’t see, pull over.  Yesterday, I was driving home from spending my hard earned money when it started pouring.  I couldn’t see shit, so what did I do?  I turned on my hazards and slowed down.  Yeah, I was driving slower than I prefer but, at least I wasn’t looking like an jerk while I hydroplaned all over the damn place.  

Another thing you should stop doing is cutting me off.  Don’t give me a dirty look or the finger after cutting me off either.  You’re the impatient one.  What are you cutting me off for anyway?  Are you trying to beat me to that red light you just got caught at?  Nice one, dickface.  

Please keep in mind, I am not advising anyone to drive recklessly.  Don’t drive around like you have no regard for human life, just....stay out of the left lane if you’re one of ‘those’ drivers, stop cutting me off, and keep your cool when it rains.  That’s all I ask of you.  Remember, my car will fuck yours up should I happen to rear end it.  Florida says it’s my fault but, your asshole-ish ways makes it look like your fault.

~Kelly

Please stop. I beg of you.

I remember using AOL chat when I was in middle school, or maybe high school...I don’t know, basically a long ass time ago....Anyway, the abbreviation ‘LOL’ was being used frequently.  I also remember using ‘LOL’ when I was ACTUALLY laughing out loud.  When did that stop?  I’m beginning to think people no longer understand what ‘LOL’ means.  If you look above at the beginning of this post again, you will see that it means LAUGHING OUT LOUD.  I know that might be a hard concept for some of you to grasp but, let’s see if I can break it down for you.  It IS appropriate to use ‘LOL’ if you are actually laughing.  It is NOT appropriate to use it as filler.  Here is an example of what I mean by ‘filler’.  This is an actual Facebook status that I saw recently...”Had a great day at work lol!  Time for a relaxing weekend lol!”.  Am I missing something?  Why is that funny?  Are you really laughing out loud as you type that?  If you are, I imagine a lunatic laughing maniacally and typing frantically on their computer....and that is not ok, unless you are about to take over the world or some crazy shit like that. 

Also not ok...the ‘LOL sandwich’.  If you don’t know what I mean by this, here is another example.  “LOL it’s such a great day out LOL”.  The double LOL is not necessary, I promise.  I get the point.  It’s a great day and for some reason you think that is hilarious.  Whatever.  Oh, and while I’m at it the ‘lol hahaha lol’ combo is redundant.  Do you know what ‘redundant’ means?  If not, I’ll tell you...it’s an adjective and it means ‘in excess’ or ‘exceeding what is needed’.  Get it?  

What is with all the variations of LOL anyway?  I have seen LMAO (or LMBO for those that don’t have the mouth of a sailor), LMFAO, lolz, ROFL, lawl, and lulz.  What the hell do those last two even mean?!  I don’t f*cking get it.  

I understand if you want to use it here and there..ya know, when you are actually laughing.  I use it every now and then but, for the most part I stick to the standard “hahaha” or “cackle cackle cackle” (I cackle sometimes, f*ck you).  Let’s all try to stop being ‘LOL’ over-users.  You will be better people and you will look like less of a douche for it.  To those of my friends (off the top of my head, Tonyia and Kristen!!) that flood my texts with LOLs out the asshole, stop that shit.  Seriously. 

~Kelly

back to school

I just want to start out this post with a semi-sincere apology for the gap in between posts.  It's back to school time and we have been too busy at work to come home and use the muscles in our fingers.

School starts tomorrow around these parts...  it really brings out the procrastinators, that's for sure.  You would think that parents would want to get all of the preparations for school at least a week or two in advance.  They don't.  You would think that parents get all of the school shopping done way in advance.  They don't.  You would think that parents got their kids haircut done earlier than the day before school starts.  They definitely don't.

Kids going back to school means new clothes, new shoes, school supplies and a haircut to most people.  It seems like everybody waits until the last minute to remember that their kid is going back to school.  I admit, I am totally slacking on getting my kid's school supplies for his very first ever day of school.  What can I say… I'm a busy working mom.

Why are my tips shitty during back to school time?  Why are my service sales lower during back to school time?  Why are my nerves shot during back to school week?  Why don't you, as a parent, understand that I am having to deal with not only your little turd, but also you?  There may even be a significant other that I have to deal with as well.  Children's haircuts should cost twice as much as an adult cut.  YOU should tip twice as much as you do when I cut your hair...  Merely for making me and other stylists stress the #@(^ out.  Tell me how you/the kid wants the haircut, get out of my way, come back to approve or disapprove, pay and leave.  By you staying the #@(^ out of my way, you are easing my stress.  By you checking to approve or disapprove, I won’t have to cut your brat’s hair 5 times.  Win win.

More importantly, don't bring your lice ridden turd in to get a haircut hoping the stylist will not see!!!!  Are you #@(^!?$ kidding me?!  Bullshit!  I cannot tell you how many liced up children have been brought to me just for me to have to diagnose that shit!  You damn well know your #@(^!?$ kid has lice!!!!!!!  You probably tried to dye it, or chop at it already.  It is against State Board Regulations for me or any stylist to do hair with lice all up in it.  Take that shit home, treat it and everything in your house and after they are completely gone, then feel free to return.

* Gross.  Do something about that shit.  Don't keep spreading it! *

~Katie

May I take your mother f*cking order?

Most people that know me know that I love fast food.  I don’t know why.  I just do and don’t you dare judge me.  

So the other day, I go through the Burger King drive through.  The guy that takes my order sounds similar to Napoleon Dynamite....except mopier.  So he’s all mopey sounding, asking me what I want...so I tell him I want a #whatever, with just bacon (of course) and cheese.  I’m still deciding what to drink when he says (remember, he sounds like a super mopey Napoleon Dynamite) “What size and drink and stuff?”.  Ah...what?  What size and drink and stuff?  Who speaks to a customer that way?  People that hate their job (and probably their life), that’s who.  Listen, I understand you hate your job.  I get it, I really do...but, either do your job with some mother f*cking love or find another line of work.  I don’t need your shitty attitude putting me in a bad mood when I’m just trying to get a BK Double Stacker on my way to work!  Then I’m going to go to work and give people shitty hair cuts and it will be ALL your fault.  Then you will have ruined my client's day, plus mine.  Oh, and all my co-workers' day too because they have to deal with my now shitty attitude on account of YOU.  

And what the hell is up with you totally f*cking up my order?  All you have to do is turn up the volume on your headset, take my order, press the keys on the register that have the little pictures on them, take my money, give me my change, and give me my food THE WAY I ORDERED IT!  Really...how hard is it?  I mean, you already work in fast food.....stop making your life worse by sucking at what is probably one of the easiest jobs on the planet.  If you won’t do it, there are others out there that will.  Maybe they will give me my shit the way I order it.  

And that’s real talk, assholes.  

~Kelly

Smoking

If you were unaware… smoking is gross.  It is an air pollutant, it is super expensive, makes you and your breath stink, makes you sound like you’re 72 when you really just turned 22!!!...  and most importantly, it can kill you.  Not quickly either.  COPD, emphysema, lung cancer, etc.  It kills you slowly (usually)… so slow, you’d probably want to off yourself in the process.  You may have to get an entire lung removed; that’s if the other one is even salvageable. 

I admit, I used to be a smoker.  I was never a really heavy smoker, but I did smoke for many, many years.  I quit for the third and final time.  Woo!  Best part about me quitting, is I (ONLY) reduced my early death!

My dad passed away a little over 8 years ago.  We didn’t find out until he was in the ICU, but he was smoking 4 packs a day.  He had emphysema, chronic respiratory infection and beginning stages of lung cancer when he died.  He was a great man, one who I wish everyday that I never lost him.  Maybe if he wasn’t smoking a carton of cigarettes every 2 ½ days, he would still be here with me and my kids would still have their papa.  Instead, he never even got to meet my sons on this earth.

I have seen old ass people attached to their oxygen tanks, super young kids who stole their parent’s smokes and even pregnant smokers!  Really?!  Pregnant??  Come on now!  Its one thing for the 95 year old who doesn’t give a shit about his life anymore because he’s on his last leg, has no family and the morphine drip just doesn’t cut the stress of impending death.  But a pregnant woman?  What is wrong with you?

Do you know that there is a new life growing inside of you?  Just quit!  Most of these women who are polluting their baby’s lungs as well as their own, will tell you “my doctor said to keep smoking, because the stress of me quitting will hurt the baby more”.  Are you #@(^!?$ kidding me?  That would be my first clue to get a new doctor.  Call me crazy, but I would just assume that a good doctor will help you quit smoking in a way that would be safe for the baby.  Pfft…  what do I know?!  While it is true that the placenta acts as a filter from mother to baby, it doesn’t filter out everything!

I honestly do understand the addiction.  Everyone knows there are addictive ingredients placed with love by the cigarette manufacturers.  How else would they get you to spend all of your rent money and smoke a rolled up piece of filthy ass turd 20+ times a #@(^!?$ day?!  Find something to do that helps fill the void caused by not spending 2 1/2+ hours per day smoking! 

Back in the day, smoking was cool.  It has been a ‘thing’ for the hip, the rich, the poor, and everyone else in between at some point in time.  Now though… now it is 2011 and it is thankfully getting more and more unusual to see.  However, there are still some of you smokers out there!  You know who you are!!  Stop it!  You are not cool, you smell fresh like that new 'ashtray' scented body wash, your teeth are brown and your breath smells awful.  No matter what age you are or what kind of health you are in, you are gonna sound like at any minute gigantic pieces of lung and tissue will come catapulting out of your mouth during mid sentence!  Oh no!  Not my eye!!  Not projectile mucus and membranes all over my face!  

You are spending way too much of your (possibly) hard earned money!  And you gon die!!!!

~Katie