Bad Ass Kids

It’s usually pretty easy to spot them.  Sometimes, you may even want to run away screaming when they open their mouths…

Bad ass little kids seems to be an epidemic lately.  You see all of these little bratty ass turds who are running their parents.  They are the boss.  They are the deciding factor on everything in their household.  You, as a parent (or caregiver) is letting them behave that way. 

I see kids running amok everywhere; stores, restaurants, etc.  The worst part about it is, I do NOT see their parent(s) making even the slightest attempt to control their child(ren).  They are just letting them scream and throw alfredo noodles in another Olive Garden customer’s hair.  Seriously though… your kid throws shit at me and I’m gonna beat  YOUR ass…

To spank or not to spank…  SPANK THEM!  You don’t have to beat the shit out of your precious little angel, but a nice firm pop to the heiny or hand and they should (hopefully) see that you mean business.  However, I do not believe in this kind of discipline in public.  Take that kind of punishment to the bathroom if you have to.  If you discipline your child in your own home, all it should take is a threat outside of the house.

I think some people are too afraid of DCF / CPS.  Every parent should fear the potential removal of your child from your home, of course.  But don’t be so afraid someone is gonna swoop in and take your kid away that you fear to say “NO”!

You are the parent, you make the rules.  Control your little turds, people.  Don’t let them control you.

~Katie

bacon, how i love thee

If you don’t love bacon, there is something very wrong with you (Laura!!).  You need a psychological evaluation ASAP.  Why would you not love bacon?  What’d bacon ever to do you but be super tasty and amazing and succulent and delicious?  

I eat bacon everyday.  No lie.  It’s turkey bacon but, it’s still bacon.  I figured if I was gonna eat bacon everyday of my life, maybe I should try a healthier version.  If I could live in a house of bacon and then eventually eat my way out of it, I would.  All my furniture would be made of bacon, too.  I would eat bacon for dinner.  Bacon, with mashed bacon on the side, drizzled in bacon gravy.  Then for dessert, I would have bacon chocolate.  That’s a real thing and it’s 
delicious.  

A few months back, Denny’s had some promotion going on called ‘Baconalia: A Celebration of Bacon’.  They had bacon flapjacks, bacon meatloaf, maple bacon sundaes...among other things packed full of bacon-y, artery clogging goodness.  That only lasted for a limited time.  Big mistake, Denny’s.  Bacon should be celebrated every day of every month of every year.  However, even though it was for a limited time only, it was still a kind gesture and because of that, I thank you.  I feel like I should name my firstborn ‘Denny’.  No?

~Kelly

fatty mcfatfat

We’ve all seen those episodes of Maury with the fat babies.  Babies that fat are NOT cute.  Yes, babies are supposed to be fat...but not Marshmallow Man fat. How do they get that fat anyway?  How many happy meals does it take to make a child that damn ginormous that they have sleep apnea and diabetes at the age of 3?!  You’re the parent.  You control what they eat.  I’m pretty sure it’s as simple as substituting the chicken nugs and fries with some vegetables. Maybe try some portion control, too.  Nothing is more disgusting than watching a fat toddler put away 4 cheeseburgers in one sitting. Hmm..what else can you do to make your kid not a fat ass?  Oh...go play outside!  If you’re gonna let your little (or big, whatever) turd eat all the junk food in the world, the least you can do is kick their fat asses outside and make them run that shit off.  And let’s stop calling them fat.  Chunk, nugget, fat-fat....Yeah!  Let’s let (yes, I said let.  You’re the parent, remember?) our kids blow up to astronomical proportions and THEN we will call them fat.  Then, after that, we will take them on the Maury Povich show and exploit the shit out of them.  Way to go, parent of the year.  

Can we just have a DCF representative on stand by in the audience at the Maury Povich show?  

~Kelly 

I don't even know...

This link was posted on the Reader's Rant page by my super awesome best friend.  She knows I don't get in to politics and all that jazz.  Just a little disclaimer before I begin...I don't give a shit what you believe in or who you vote for or any of that other junk.  I am just really glad she posted this link because the birth control issue has me interested.    

Let's start with the average co-pay for birth control being $14.  Must be nice to have insurance.  I was uninsured for over 3 years before today.  I was finally eligible to enroll in the medical insurance that my job offers.  While uninsured, my birth control was damn near $90.  Hopefully that will go down now that I have insurance.  Sandy Rios needs to holla at me and let me know what generic birth control is only $9!!! 

The next thing that caught my ear was...comparing abuse counseling with manicures and pedicures.  Really?!  Yeah.  She said that.  Do I need to even say anymore about it?  F*ck you, lady.  

Putting your daughter on birth control doesn't mean you are giving her permission to go out and slut it up.  Maybe she suffers from ovarian cysts.  Maybe she has painful periods.  I've been told by every doctor I have ever had that birth control regulates that awful shit.  

"You present science and facts just to present your viewpoint."  Uhm....well, I think we all learned that in elementary school while doing science projects.  That's what you do when you are trying to get your point across.  You present FACTS to back your shit up.  

And another thing....whoever has birth control laying around collecting dust, send that shit my way! 

~Kelly

fat scooter

As most of you know, Wal-Mart (as well as other stores) offers electric wheelchairs to those who need them during their shopping experience.  If you needed a wheelchair to shop in the store, wouldn’t you have ridden up to the store already on that bitch?! 

 * this sunamabitch right here! *

You can’t fool me, wally world!  I think we all know that those electric scooters are for the fat shoppers.  You’ve seen them… the ones who are too gigantic to even get halfway around that big ass store without assistance.  The ones when sitting on the scooter, it looks like they’re wearing a thong.  If you can get a biggun to be comfortable in a huge store full of food... well, I don’t think I really need to finish that sentence.

 

Acceptable reasons to hoverround:

If you are walking with crutches, ok. 

If you are super huge about to pop pregnant with triplets or more, ok. 

If you lost a leg during shark week, ok. 

If immediately beforehand, in the parking lot, your foot got run over, ok. 

UNacceptable reasons to ride:

If you are just plain fat, not ok.

If you are suffering from lazy ass syndrome, not ok.

If you just stubbed your toe or a got a papercut or some other lame excuse, not ok.

Being fat is the perfect reason TO walk around while you’re shopping.  That’s probably the most exercise you’ll get all month long.  Air conditioning, drinks & snacks galore!  There is even a section with pillows if you really get winded.  So get up and walk, fat ass!  If you are really THAT fat that you need to ride the scooter and that is the only way you can shop… Why don’t you spend some of your food money on a personal shopper who will go get you healthy food?  

Not to mention, those riding scooters are awful.  They take up a ton of room in the aisle, they go super slow, nobody is proficient at driving them, and reverse?!  Don’t even get me started on reverse!  That horrendous beeping noise!!!  OMG!  What’s even worse, maybe the worst part about the fat scooters?!!!!!!  When these people stand up at the checkout and that thing beeps and beeps and beeps and #@(^ !?$ beeps!  Are you deaf?  Why don’t these people (that are standing right next to these carts) ever know it’s actually them beeping?  Really?

I have personally walked around and shopped at a gigantic Wal-Mart during each of these occasions:  full term pregnant (twice), in labor (once), after a c-section (twice), on crutches (twice), with jacked up vision (thrice) and fat every time I go in.  I know it’s possible to walk.  Even when you can’t walk!  I refuse to ride in that stupid shit.

If you really don’t need to use this monstrosity, if you are just so lazy or fat that you prefer to be carried all over the place, think again before you sit your ass down.  Do it for your own good, if no one else’s!  Use your #@(^ !?$  feet and walk like humans were intended to do!

~Katie

* Why does this dude's pic come up every time I google image search electric wheelchair or scooter?  Go ahead, try it.  Creepy... *

a whole new level of fear

Grotesque. 

My brother and I decided to go check out some wildlife today.  That’s right.  Wildlife.  Big mistake, since we were almost eaten alive by spiders. Don’t get me wrong, wildlife is cool and all.  I just don’t want to be all up in it.  I don’t do bugs, I don’t do heat and sweat, and I definitely don’t do spiders.  This is why I do not camp.  Well, that and the lingering fear of a Jason Voorhees like character killing everyone.  

There’s this place in town called the Enchanted Forest Nature Sanctuary.  It has trails that you can walk through and see all kinds of animals and bugs and things of that nature.  Spiders EVERYWHERE.  Why two people that are deathly afraid of spiders would go to a place like this, I have no idea.    

Turns out, this place is taken over by Golden Silk Spiders (aka banana spiders). The handsome little guy pictured above was on the window of the shop before you even get to the trails.   BEFORE. THE. TRAILS.  

Once you start walking the trails, these jerks are everywhere.  Look to your right, there’s spiders.  To your left, spiders.  Look up above your head, spiders!!!  It looks like they are floating.  What if spiders actually floated?!  

Several times during this fabulous little nature walk, I was attacked by branches, leaves, sticks ‘n shit.  Every single time, I thought it was a spider and I thought that was it.  That’s how I was going to leave this world.  I was going to be attacked by a banana spider, have a stroke, and....well, you know.  Then I would freak out and run off only to be reminded not to run too fast so I didn’t run face first into a spider.  There is no need for that.  

Every once in a while, I would hear a noise behind us.  I was certain there was some abnormally huge spider coming to get us which lead me to think about something.  What if there were zombies in this nature sanctuary?  THAT in turn lead me to think about several other things.  You have to run from the zombies, right?  Duh.  Well, once you start that running shit, you run the risk of running FACE FIRST into a big ass spider.   Then, what if the zombies start biting the spiders?  Then you have huge zombie spiders chasing after you.  F*ck that.  

Here.  Check out the cute little tortoise we saw today.  Maybe it will help you forget about all that spider nastiness.  Just kidding.  It totally won't.  

Oh.  Just so you know, the whole time I typed this I felt like I had spiders crawling all over me.  I will dream about spiders tonight.  You’re welcome.  

~Kelly

get off the phone

Cell phone etiquette.  Shit.  Where to begin....?

I will start with a confession.  I am borderline obsessed with my phone.  I am constantly texting, kickin’ some ass on Words With Friends (or getting my ass kicked. shut up.), Facebooking...whatever.  I’m not ashamed.  The reason I use the word ‘borderline’ is because, unlike other cell phone addicts, I am aware that there IS a time and a place.  I absolutely re-f*cking-fuse to have a personal conversation on my cell phone while I am in a restaurant, store, nail salon...wherever.  I don’t want everybody else knowing my business.  If I did, I would take out an ad in the damn paper.  I don’t give a shit what you are doing this weekend.  I don’t want to hear, in detail, about the awful date you went on last night.  If you need to make a quick call to find out if so and so needs something from the store, fine.  If you want to call the babysitter to see how the kids are, cool.  Try to keep that phone call short and sweet.  And keep your voice the f*ck down.  Shit.  There’s nothing more annoying than hearing a loud ass person on the phone.  Ok, there are things more annoying than that but, that is up there on the list.  Also.  If you’re going through a check-out line, ordering food, or doing something that requires talking to someone face to face, please detach that phone from your ear.  Remember, there’s probably other people waiting in line behind you.  You going between the cashier and the conversation you are having about how much of a bitch your sister can be is just making everyone else wait and in turn, pissing them the hell off.  Remember, cashiers are people, too.  Get off your phone, let them do their job, and get your ass out of the line. 

Let’s discuss that bluetooth shit real quick.  You look like a douche.  It appears that you are talking to yourself.  I don’t get it.  On the other hand, I have noticed that only middle aged white men appear to be using bluetooth technology these days, sooo...I think that means that shit is no longer ‘cool’.  Whew.  

You know how you can catch on fire if you pump gas while you are on your cell phone?  I wish that happened every time someone used their cell phone at inappropriate times for stupid shit. 

~Kelly