satan's nectar

Energy drinks are quite possibly one of the WORST things to be invented ever.  I will never forget the day I drank my first (and last) Red Bull.  I started to feel all jittery and just wanted to do a bunch of shit and talk to everyone and not shut up ever!  That lasted for about 20 minutes.  After that, I crashed and felt miserable and wanted to shoot myself in the face.  Uhm...F*ck that.  That has to be the worst feeling in the world.  I really want to compare that feeling to the way a crackhead feels when they are all...cracky ‘n shit....but, I’ve never done crack sooo I wouldn’t know.  

Listen.  This is what I’m getting at.  No, I do not think energy drinks should have an age limit.  I think those sons of whores should be outlawed.  However, there are those people that are energy drink fanatics.  They can’t function without them.  Those idiots would probably force us into some repeat of the prohibition era.  Except instead of alcohol, it’s energy drinks.  Can you imagine?!  People would be sneaking into their favorite speakeasy to get their energy drink fix, buying bootleg Red Bull and Monster and shit.  F*cking crazies.  

Ok.  Let’s not go so far as to outlaw that shit.  I do not think children should be drinking that crackhead ass shit.  If an adult wants to be all jittery and feel like they want to shoot themselves in the face, then they can do that shit on their own.  


~Kelly

sleepy time

Well, I was supposed to write about sleep deprivation this morning before work but, I was busy napping due to the shitty sleep I got last night.  Oh, and by “napping”, I mean laying in the recliner, watching Tabatha’s Salon Takeover and dozing off here and there.   Anyone that knows me knows I suffer from random bouts of insomnia.  Insomnia is a son of a bitch and f*ck you if you have not experienced it.  Don’t you dare come at me with that ‘I stay up late all the time’ shit, either.  You probably end up sleeping all day long.  Newsflash!  Staying up until 3am and then sleeping until 1pm is NOT insomnia.  Talk to me when you attempt go to sleep at 11pm, don’t fall asleep until 5am or so and wake up at 8am like CLOCKWORK.  Oh yeah, and in between 5am and 8am, you wake up at least 6 or 7 times. 

My insomnia is so bad, I can’t even nap correctly.  Who the hell fails at napping?  I f*cking do.  I will doze off for about 10 minutes.  After that, I start snoring so loud, I wake myself up.  Yeah.  I snore.  Laugh it up, everyone.  It adds character.  What has helped me through these horrific insomniac phases is.....(drum roll please) Valerian Root!  Or, V-root as I like to call it.  That shit is magical.  Take it around 8 or 9 and I’m asleep by 11. 

And you dildos that claim to only need 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night.  Shut the hell up.  You probably have some closet speed addiction that helps you get through the day.  When I sleep for anything less than 7 hours, I feel like I cannot function.  I actually hallucinate.  Shit.  I hope those were hallucinations.  They probably were....right?  

~Kelly

Robots

I had this returning client in my chair today and I said the sometimes open ended question… “How are you?”

Her response to me (in a raspy, 85 year old smoker’s voice from Queens) was:

“Well, honey… you’re never gonna believe this.  I am in a lot of pain and moving really slow because I’m still recovering from a complete hysterectomy.  And what’s even more unfrigginbelievable is that a friggin robot did my surgery through my damn bellybutton.”  I will save you from the details she proceeded to tell me all about.  I will, in fact, be researching how to erase those said details from my memory (‘Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind’ style).

Are you kidding me?  Ok, its one thing that they are doing a shit ton of surgeries now through your (what used to be) tiny ass bellybutton, that’s great.  But you’re telling me that they are sticking a robot arm inside of your bellybutton and digging your organs out with it by use of a friggin joystick in the adjoining room??!!!! 

Do we all live in the matrix?

~Katie

shhh!!!

So, you just spent your life savings on that new movie that’s playing....maybe it’s some new Harry Potter shit, maybe it’s a romantic comedy (a rom-com, if you will), it might even be some god awful movie featuring Angelina Jolie.  Whatever your movie of choice is, you’re super excited to see it.  You bought your $9 bag of popcorn and your $7 soda.  You have your movie sweater and you are ready to go.  They show some previews of some movies you may or may not see.  Whatever.  The lights are dimmed!  Hell yeah!  It’s almost showtime!!!  Finally the movie starts.  About 20 minutes into it, some asshole starts talking.  Well guess what, jerks!!  That asshole is me!  That’s right.  I am, in fact, a movie talker.  Bet you didn’t think I would take that approach when you submitted this on the reader’s rant page (I know it was you, Mom!!), did you?  Listen, I also just spent my whole life savings to watch this movie!  If i want to make some comments here and there about the movie, I am going to do just that.  Chances are, the douche that is spending the whole movie trying to open his bag of Twizzlers is causing more of a ruckus than I am by talking.  Really, people...How the hell hard is it to open up a bag of candy?!  Oh. I’m sorry.  Is my talking distracting you from the guy that is texting on his bright ass cell phone?!  What about the lady that couldn’t find a baby sitter so she brought her young children to the late showing of the R rated movie ?  Those turds should be in bed but all they want to do is run up and down the damn aisles.  How about the kid that keeps kicking the back of your chair?  In my opinion, all that other shit is more annoying than my talking.  Don’t like it?  Too f*cking bad.  While you’re busy complaining to the 17 year old movie theatre manager, I’ll be enjoying the movie that I just had to take out a loan to go see. 

~Kelly

flash mob dancing

What exactly is ‘flash mob dancing’?  Is this actually something that people enjoy doing and get paid to do?  Is there an organization that sets this type of thing up for free?  Do they assume everyone loves to see a bunch of out of shape randoms on the street stop short in the middle of the road and just start bustin a move??  I just always assumed it was a bunch of out of work ‘dancers’ who were trying to get recognized.  Who actually sets this shit up? 

WTF would you do if you were just chillin, having some lunch and all of the sudden everyone stood up from their tables around you and started frolicking around?  What if their sole purpose was to dance specifically FOR YOU?  My first reaction would be to get the #@(^ up out of there… wherever you are that this horrendous scenario happens.  Now if they were all up in my business and invading my personal space because some idiot commissioned these crazies to perform this monstrosity... well, I’d still get the #@(^ up out of there; as well as said ‘idiot’ would be dead to me from that point on.

You may be one of the 10 people in the world who think flash mob dancing is spectacular.  If you are, oh well.  I will say that it is kind of a little bit barely entertaining on tv.  If you are unaware, this is unbelievable and unacceptable in real life.

However, I do have to say, the phone commercial with the one dude who gets his text late and starts dancing all by himself is pretty hilarious though.  I believe that if this does, indeed become a trend… many a flash mob dancer will end up getting punched in their prancing throat.

~Katie

shark week!

For all of you booger eaters that aren’t aware, shark week starts tonight.  I don’t know about any of you but, I am pretty damn stoked.  While I do not enjoy getting in the water at the beach for fear of being eaten by a shark, I do love to watch sharks eat shit on TV....ya know, in the comfort of my own home.  

I was just watching a program called ‘10 Deadliest Sharks’.  Ah...basically, sharks are no joke.  There’s this shark called a Sand Tiger that eats it’s own siblings in the womb.  Seriously?!  These bitches are eating shit before they are even BORN.  Apparently, these sharks are even referred to as ‘baby cannibals’. I repeat, BABY CANNIBAL.  That is something I do not want to f*ck with.  What if there were little baby humans running around eating other babies?  Would you wanna have a playdate with that bad ass baby?  And just imagine what a pain in the ass that kid would be as it got older.  

"Hello.  I ate all my siblings.  Wanna hang out?"

On that same '10 Deadliest Sharks' program, I believe I heard a guy say that the Tiger Shark’s teeth can cut through bone.  It might have been another shark so don’t quote me on that.  The important part of that sentence is the fact that there is a shark out there that can (and probably will, if given the chance) eat right through your BONE.  No thanks. 

Then, there was some other show where these guys were just throwing things into the water to see if the sharks would eat them.  I came to the conclusion that sharks are like babies.  They put everything in their mouths just for shits and gigs.  If it tastes good, they will eat it.  So, the shark may not eat you whole but it will at least bite you.  One of the sharks on that show turned down ham but went for a license plate which leads me to believe that sharks may be smarter than previously reported because, well, ham is disgusting.  I would probably rather eat a piece of metal over ham as well...but I’m getting off topic here...

Now, I am not knocking surfers or kayakers or anyone else that takes part in some sport that requires you to be in the ocean so don’t turn into a sissy la-la and get all lame and offended once you read my next sentence.  If you want to risk your limbs to catch a sweet wave, be my guest but do NOT come crying to me when a shark bites one (or all!!) of your limbs clear off.  Matter of fact, stay the hell away from me with that nubby shit. 

~Kelly

Closing Time

Are you sure you really want to do that?  Are you sure you really want to go into any establishment minutes, maybe even seconds, before they close?  Really?

Now, it really doesn’t matter what type of business you go into… whether it’s a hair or nail salon, spa, restaurant, any kind of store or office, or really just anywhere.  People don’t want you coming in right before they go home.  That is just plain rude.  If you are one of those latecomers, you are rude!  As I write this and refer to closing time, I am also referring to ending shift time too.  Don’t go in right when it’s time for the employee to finally end their day. 

These employees have probably been working their asses off for the last 8 hours.  They have probably already cleaned up and are ready to go home.  Only 10 more minutes!  Yes!  They’ve probably already counted down the register and are ready to close the drawer.  Then… here comes you, the closing time douchebag.  They want to punch you in your throat as you are entering through the front door!!! 

I am just going to be specific here and relate directly to me and my experiences:

If you can’t come in enough time for me to cut your hair, don’t come.  Don’t show up at 4:55 and say “Hey, I know you’re leaving at 5, but can you give me a haircut?  It’s just a quick trim.”  First of all, there is no quick trim.  For all of you who do not understand this… a trim is exactly the same as a haircut!  Wow, who’d of thought?!  What if I’m busy?  Are you really gonna stick around and make me even later to go home? 

We usually close the salon at 9pm, so cleaning commences roughly around 8:30pm if allowed.  After a long, busy, wish you had roller skates kind of day; you are so ready to go just leave!  However, we are a walk-in and appointment salon, so we are required to take color until 7 and haircuts until 9!  When someone walks up to that door anytime after 8:45… I, as well as any other staff, am cursing your existence!  I am so ready to get off of my tired ass feet, and I just want to go home.  Then here comes you, closing time douchebag. 

Really?  Why would you really want to do that?  Are you completely unaware of other people’s lives?  It should just be standard regulation, maybe even a law.  ~No customer, client or consumer is permitted to go into any place of business within 20 minutes of closing.  If said customer disobey this rule because of any reason they will be fined an extra $25.  No matter what service, food or other purchased item they insisted on receiving right before closing time.~

Think about it, people… Right before closing:

Restaurants have either cold food or hot food with spit in it.  Bars have bottom of the barrel beer and liquor with cigarette butts in the bottle.  Stylists have neck stabbing plans for you if you are the least bit douchey.  Anywhere you go at closing time, you have staff that just want to go home.  Don’t be the closing time douchebag.  Be respectful people.  Unless, of course, you like eating old spitty food, drinking warm smoky drinks, having your neck sliced and a jacked up haircut.  If that’s the case, do whatever the #@(^ you want.

~Katie